


Atomic Assholes

by Shoeless_Sam



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - High School, Crack Fic, F/M, M/M, but still the whole hunting thing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-01-30 07:22:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21424411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shoeless_Sam/pseuds/Shoeless_Sam
Summary: It was their 15th school this year and Dean still hated it as much as the first. He should be out on the open road with their father hunting down SOBs, not cramped in a hotel room or a school with a bunch of idiots.OR a crack fic made from when I saw some out of context photos from Atomic Monsters
Kudos: 2





	1. The Unlikely Adventures of Bitchface and Go Fuck Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my lovely beta, Audrey! Thank you to Adrian who helped fuel this madness.
> 
> Wow, look at me being an author with dedications hahahahaha

It was their 15th school this year and Dean still hated it as much as the first. He should be out on the open road with their father hunting down SOBs, not cramped in a hotel room or a school with a bunch of idiots. Honestly, this whole town was full of idiots.

Dean couldn’t help but grit his teeth as the  _ Welcome to Lawrence!  _ sign came into view.

Lawrence, Kansas.

Sure it was his birth place, but it was also the place that killed his mom. Dean was pretty sure he was entitled to hate it.

But that didn’t change the fact that he had to do what his dad said. It was for the best.

“Which motel we staying at this time, dad?” Sammy asked from the back. He was laying down, his head in a book.

“It’s called Royal Crest, looked nice online.” Dean doubted that but stayed silent. “Also, this time you boys will be staying longer.”

“Will we finally be able to finish the school year?” Sammy shot back. Dean could tell it was a dig, but it was enough of a question to pass.

“Maybe.” It was always maybe. “Grab that bag in the back, Sam? Pass it to Dean.”

Sammy obliged and a bag was thrown into Dean’s lap without his consent.

“Phones?!” he couldn’t help but ask when he opened up the bag. They weren’t the latest ones, some beat-up Iphone 7s. But they were phones. Something Dean and Sammy weren’t able to have usually.

“Told ya, I’ll be gone for a while.”

“Do you think you have a lead on the thing that killed mom?!” Dean blurted out, even though he knew he shouldn't. “I should go with you, then. We both should.”

“No, Dean.” His tone was final. “We’ve talked about this before. You are staying here with your brother. And even  _ if  _ it was the thing, I wouldn’t bring you boys along. And it’s not. I just want you boys to stay in one place longer.”

Dean decided to tune the rest of his rant out, it was no use listening to the same thing over again.

He only tuned back in once they got to…  _ Royal Crest Boarding Academy for Wayward Boys?! _

“What the fuck is this?” Dean asked, whipping to look at his dad.

“These were the only connections I had here! It isn’t easy getting you boys into schools in the middle of the year.”

“How did you even afford this?”

“I didn’t sell my soul if that’s what you’re thinking. I have connections, and some debts people need to pay to me.”

Dean looked to his brother. Sammy was the smart one, he’d see how awful this was. Except his eyes were huge and his mouth hung open.

“Sammy?” Dean breathed out in disbelief.

“This is going to be so much fun, Dean! We have phones! And we’re going to a private school -- we’re going to have uniforms!” The boy wouldn’t shut up about all the wonderful things this school would have.

He didn’t stop talking until they actually did get their uniforms, courtesy of Mr. Crowley. Who had greeted them with “Hello, boys” in a thick irish accent.

“These look so cool, don’t they Dean?” Sammy asked him. Dean didn’t have the heart to let his younger brother down, so he just nodded.

John’s phone beeped in his pocket. Dean was pretty sure it was just an alarm he pre-set for an easy departure.

“Looks like that’s my cue to leave. I’ll see you soon boys. Behave.” His father never said the L word.

“Don’t worry, they will,” Crowley said calmly, as he put a hand on Dean’s shoulder. Dean had to shake off his bad feeling about all of this. “They don’t call me the princiPAL for nothing.”

John let out a forced laugh. “Okay, Crowley. Thanks again for this.” Then he was gone.

“Do we really have to wear this?” Dean broke the silence first. “Cause I don’t want to look like some choir boy.”

“Sorry, Dean. But rules are rules. If you don’t want to follow rules, I can’t put the  _ pal  _ in principal.”

“What’s your last name, Mr. Crowley?” Sammy asked. He always knew how to read the room and avoid unwanted tension.

“King,” Crowley stated simply. “But please do call me Mr. Crowley. With the Mister in front.” He ended it with a smile that sent a shiver up Dean’s back.

A girl that looked around Dean’s age popped into Crowley’s office. She was pretty enough, blonde hair. Dean couldn't figure out why she was at a boy’s school though.

“Darling!” Crowley greeted her, taking her into a big hug. His sinister exterior seeming to completely drop. “Boys, this is my daughter. She knows everything about this school, more than I do. She’ll be showing you around today.”

“Aww! You’re so cute!” the girls shouted as she went over to Sammy, giving him a hug. “You don’t look old enough to go here?”

“He’s small for his age,” Dean answered. “He’s actually a freshman. Believe it or not.”

“Well, big brother, always love a family coming here. Should I start the tour, daddy?”

Crowley nodded his head, and she led them out the door.


	2. Running on Spite and Fury

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thanks to my lovely fish problem solver Audrey! (Yeah that will make no sense to most people hahahaha)

“We don’t often get new students. Especially this late in the year,” the girl started saying immediately. Dean had no idea how he was going to endure this.

“How many students go here?” Sam asked like the good student he was.

“323,” the girl said without thinking. “But now, 325!”

“How come you go here?” Dean decided to ask. He was curious anyways. Maybe she’d be a good hookup while he’s here.

The girl let out a little laugh. “Technically, I don’t go here. It’s an all boys school.”  _ No shit. _ “I’m homeschooled, though. And I take some of my courses with the teachers here.”

So Crowley made exceptions, Dean noted. He figured it could be useful later.

“Plus, my father likes to keep me and my brother Gavin close to him.”

“Wait, we haven’t introduced ourselves! I’m Sam and that’s Dean.” Sam gave the girl his bright smile.

Dean gave her a salute he usually used for hunters that worked with his dad. The only thing he could do that looked like he cared, but was actually mocking them.

Then he had the brief thought to see if she was a hunter. Now he had a goal. Maybe if he could prove himself to his dad, with a case in the school, he could get back into the ring. He’d prove to be the perfect student, gank some monster, and his dad would  _ have  _ to let him leave.

With his new interest, Dean started really paying attention to the conversation.

“Nice to meet you both! I’m Becky. Becky King-Rosen.” So she did have a name.

“Rosen-King? Take part of your mom’s name?”

A brief flash of pain went across Becky’s face before she perked back up. “Yeah! My dad wanted us to have a part of her with us always…”

“Please don’t mind me asking, but what happened?” Dean used the same gentle but pressing voice he used with witnesses.

“Oh… he never really says. It was when we really really little.”

Dean guessed that’s how Crowley got into the whole hunting business. He wanted to ask more, but they had reached there first stop.

“What’s a…” Sam started asking. “ _ Mess hall? _ ”

Becky laughed at that, ruffling Sam’s hair. “A mess hall is like a cafeteria. Ya know?”

Dean definitely did not know. That was probably just the fancy private school name for it.

“I assume you guys have the standard meal plan?” Becky asked, again with the fancy wording.

“I don’t know what that means,” Dean answered. “But yeah, probably.”

“It will be in your packets, don’t worry about it.”

Next she took them to the library, which Sam was way too excited for.

“We have pretty much everything here, but you’ll need to make sure you check it out and everything.”

“Do you think there’s a ghost here, by chance?” Dean asked. He really wanted to crack this case.

“I hope not! But, no. We don’t have any reports of anything like that.” She didn’t seem bothered by it, so maybe there really was nothing.

Then again, the building was old. Really old. There had to be something.

“Oh! I almost forgot,” Becky laughed again. “You can use the computers in here for printing, but there are also laptops waiting for you in your rooms.”

_ This school gave out laptops?! _

“Your logins for the computers will also be in you packet.”

Next, was the field. Something Dean was particularly excited for.

“This is where football, lacrosse, and soccer take place. Cricket when it’s the season for it. Also some cheer, though I doubt you boys are interested in that.”

Dean didn’t even know what ‘cricket’ was.

“I’ve never been to a school with so many sports!” Sam marveled.

“That’s not even it, Sammy!” Becky had the nerve to call Sam Sammy -- something usually only Dean was allowed to do. Not even their dad. But Sam didn’t seem bothered by it.

“What else could you possibly have?!”

“Well, we have the gym. That’s basketball, volleyball, tennis, most of the cheer things, and assemblies too. And then we have the pool. That’s swim team, water polo, and lifeguarding.”

“How much does it usually cost to come to this school?”

“Well, I don’t know what type of grants you got… but it could be anywhere up to half a million.”

Dean felt like his eyes must be bulging. He had never heard of anything so expensive.

Next they stopped at the nurse’s office, which was uneventful. It was just like a mini hospital. Nothing like Dean was usually used to in schools. Or even when one of them got hurt on cases, and they actually did go to a hospital.

After that, they went to the dormitories.

“Now all that’s left is you rooms!” Becky said cheerfully. Like what she had just said wasn’t world changing.

“What? Did you say ‘rooms’? As is plural?” Dean looked to Sam, who was just as shocked.

“Yeah? Roommates here are always in the same grade. Sorry if that wasn’t clear prior to coming here?” Once she realized the boys wanted her to keep talking she did. “You’re not that far from each other. Sammy’s on the first floor, and you Dean are on the fifth.”

“It’ll be fine, Sammy,” Dean reassured Sam. But it felt like he was reassuring himself more. “Just a few short floors away. And we have the cellphones if we need.”

Sam nodded, and they continued.

They dropped Sam off first. Right as they got to the door, it opened. On the other side was a boy around Sam’s age.

“And there’s your roommate!” Becky announced. Dean couldn’t help but think about why a private school with so much fancy shit, still had roommates.

“You must be Sam,” Sam’s roommate said, no question in his voice.

Sam nodded. “How did you know?”

Becky laughed again. “Chuck here’s our resident psychic.”

Maybe there  _ was _ something fishy going on here.

“Not even close,” Chuck stated. “I’m not a psychic, I’m just… good at guessing.”

“Really?” Dean questioned.

“Yep. Even working on guessing Becky’s number. I would just guess it, but I’m a gentlemen.”

It didn’t take long until Becky was leading Dean to his room, Sam getting settled with Chuck.

“You actually have a pretty good roommate Dean,” Becky said once they got to the second floor. Dean already knew these stairs were going to be a pain.

“How’s that?”

“Well, you roommate comes from a legacy family. The youngest of that family, actually. And they have some status around here.”

“Really? Like helping me sneak into the secret basement of the school?” Dean pretended to joke.

“If we had one, probably.”

The conversation grew quiet again until they reached the fifth floor.

“You’re interesting Dean. I’m gonna figure out what your story is,” Beck said, right as they reached Dean’s room. She had a glint in her eye like she knew his whole story.

Becky knocked on the door.

“Like with Sammy; a map is included in the welcome packet, as well as all logins and schedules. Your closet will have a few uniforms in it, which are mandatory.” As the door opened, she turned around and started walking. Leaving Dean alone to meet his roommate.

He may be running on spite and fury, but dammit he’d prove his dad wrong.


	3. So Your Parents Like the Devil Too?

It was hard to believe the guy in front of him was from a legacy family. Especially when he was dressed in sweatpants and a random choir shirt. But he was handsome, there was that.

“Is there something I can help you with?” the boy asked, his brows furrowing together.

“Yeah, seems like I’m your roommate.” Dean gestured to the direction Becky had left, “Becky left me here.”

“She likes to do that. Drama or something.” Dean could definitely see that. “Well, come in… what’s your name?”

The boy let him in and Dean followed him, dropping his bags onto the side of the room with close to nothing decorated. It was clear some of the other boy’s things had found their way over, but after sharing with Sam he knew he could deal.

“My name’s Dean. What about yours?”

“Castiel Novak. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Dean.” Cas -- because Dean was  _ not  _ going to call him Castiel -- said as he held his hand out for Dean to shake it. Dean shook his hand quickly.

“Well, Cas, it’s nice to meet you too.”

“Cas?”

“Yeah, well,” Dean wasn’t sure to word it, so he just went for blunt. “Not to be offensive, but it’s really rich-sounding? Like it sounds like a prince’s name or something, and I’m just not used to that.”

Cas took a second to think it over before responding,”Ah, of course. No offense taken.” He didn’t look entirely okay with it, but Dean took his words anyway.

“Good.” Dean wasn’t sure what to say next, so he let Cas start the conversation again. Until then, Dean decided to work on unpacking his bags.

“What did Becky tell you about me?”

Dean had to think hard about it, he wasn’t listening too much to what she was saying. “She said you’re from a legacy family? What does that even mean?”

Cas thought for a moment. Dean figured he always liked to be exact. “Ah, yes. Well, I’m the tenth generation going here, youngest of my family. I believe tenth… it gets complicated going that far back.”

“Sammy could probably figure it out. He loves researching things.”

“Sammy?”

“Sam. He’s my brother.” Cas seemed to light up ever so slightly, so Dean continued talking about Sam. He was always up to talk about Sam. “He’s actually a freshman here, but super short. Looks like he could be a fifth grader?”

“Does he look like you?”

“I guess… he looks more like our mom. Baby face and stuff.” Cas nodded. “What about your family?”

“Well, the oldest are twins. They’re 28. Michael and Lucifer,”Cas explained.

Dean couldn’t help but interrupt, “Lucifer? Like the  _ devil _ ?!”

“You’re very bright, Dean. Not everyone knows the name.” Cas broke eye contact for a second, and Dean realized how much Cas had remained eye contact. Classic uptight boy, who had training to do so. “My parents… dad, mainly… he loves things like that. Like the Bible and other stories, too. Greek, Roman, Spanish. Everything.”

“But Lucifer?”

“My dad also got into Satanism at one point.” Somehow that explained a lot about Cas.

“Oh, cool.” Dean didn’t know exactly what to ask next. “What are Mikey and Luci like, anyways?”

“You sure do like nicknames.” Cas didn’t look particularly pleased about that. “They’re very high and mighty. We were raised like -- how would you say it?”

“Posh princes?” Dean answered even though he wasn’t sure if that was what Cas was looking for.

“Yes, indeed. We’ve been treated like ‘posh princes’,” Cas said with overly-enthusiastic air quotes, like he had never quite been shown how. “Michael and Lucifer… they live for it. Plus naming kids after angels… it gives them a, sort of, god complex.”

“You all named after angels?”

“Cassiel, the angel of Thursdays. But my mom didn’t like  _ Cassiel  _ for a boy, so they replaced one of the Ss with a T.”

“She didn’t veto Lucifer?” Cas just shrugged.

“Then there’s Naomi. 25. Just as uptight as Michael and Lucifer. Her name comes from the bible, not an angel.”

As much as Cas went into detail, Dean could tell it was a speech he knew by heart. Like when he said his dad was an exterminator and his mom died from an oven fire. Cas looked more annoyed about his family than anything.

“Then there’s Anna. She’s the nicest. 23. I haven’t done much research on her name. And then Gabriel, like the archangel. He’s a senior. I’m sure you’ll get acquainted with him.”

“Who’s your favorite.” Even though Dean could tell Cas didn’t get along with most of his family, he had to have a favorite.

“Gabriel and I are very close. But he does like to be a… sort of trickster.”

“Sounds like my type of guy,” Dean commented. Cas grimaced at that.

“You should get settled, I have a club meeting to get to.” Cas had never opened up much in their talk, but he was undoubtedly a cold, spoiled boy again.

“Okay, see you later?”

“Dinner’s at 6.” And with that, Cas abruptly left the room. Dean couldn’t help but label him as weird.

Before he got to work on getting unpacked, Dean decided to take out his phone. He smiled at the fact that his dad had put their contacts in already.

He quickly changed Sam’s contact name from “Sam” to “Sammy”.

**Messaging : Sammy**

** _heyo sammy_ **

** _Sammy : Hey Dean_ **

** _How’s it going?_ **

** _uhhh good. my roommates v weird_ **

** _Sammy : How so?_ **

** _hes a legacy ig, but like hes just some posh prince_ **

** _hes so cold and weird, like he talks but thrn shuts down_ **

** _Sammy : Hmm_ **

** _What are you going to do?_ **

** _idk … maybe if i push his buttons he’ll react?_ **

** _Sammy : That’s a bad idea, Dean_ **

** _Hey, I gotta go -- Chuck’s taking me to his book club :)_ **

** _book club? rlly sammy?_ **

** _It could be a way to meet people. Shut up_ **

** _yeah totally fun nerd lol_ **

_ [ read ] _

Dean threw his phone onto his bed. Time to get to work.

  
  



End file.
